On shame, the inner critic, and the self-compassion we never learned
The Mother of All Shoulds
I’m Marla Newborn, a licensed social worker and addiction therapist. In this space, I explore recovery, shame, and the systems that shape how we see ourselves.
There is something many of us live with but rarely name: the tyranny of the shoulds—and how self-compassion offers a way out.
There’s a voice many of us carry inside—quietly relentless, always judging, never satisfied. It says things like:
“I should be further along.”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
“I should be stronger, calmer, more productive.”
But then there are the “should haves.”
The mother of all shoulds.
The ones that don’t just whisper—they stab.
The ones that loop on repeat and won’t let you rest:
“I should have known better.”
“I should have done more.”
“I should have walked away.”
“I should have said something.”
These are the thoughts that don’t offer growth—only self-punishment.
They don’t create insight—they create shame.
And when left unchecked, they become a kind of internalized violence—quiet, constant, and devastating.
#Self-Compassion as an Act of Rebellion
Psychologist Karen Horney called this relentless pressure “the tyranny of the shoulds.”
And it is a tyranny—a system of internalized rules that tell us we must be perfect to be worthy. That every mistake is a moral failure. That pain is something we should have avoided if we were only better.
Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) offers a different path.
Instead of pushing harder to meet impossible expectations, CFT teaches us to meet our pain with kindness.
To recognize that shame doesn’t make us better—it keeps us afraid, small, and disconnected from ourselves.
Self-compassion is not weakness.
It’s not selfish.
And it’s not letting yourself off the hook.
It’s the courage to meet yourself with care instead of judgment.
It’s saying, “This hurts, and I deserve support,” instead of “I should be over this by now.”
Why Self-Compassion Isn’t Soft or Indulgent
So many people fear that being kind to themselves will make them lazy or self-centered. But in my experience, the opposite is true.
As researcher and psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff has shown, self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook.
It’s about responding to suffering—especially internal suffering—with the kind of care that helps you stay in the game.
Her research shows that people who treat themselves with compassion are actually more motivated, more resilient, and less likely to burn out.
Not because they’re being coddled—but because they’re no longer wasting energy on shame.
When we quiet the inner tyrant, we gain access to a steadier kind of drive—not the frantic kind that comes from fear, but the sustainable kind that grows from care.
When we stop attacking ourselves, we have more energy to show up—for our work, our relationships, our goals.
Self-compassion doesn’t shrink our capacity—it expands it.
A World Beyond the Shoulds
Learning to treat yourself with compassion takes time.
For many of us, the “shoulds” have been running the show for years.
They may even sound like your own voice.
But they’re not you.
They’re the product of systems, families, expectations, and fears.
And they can be unlearned.
You don’t have to do this alone.